I'm writing to y'all when I should be researching for my homework...
These past 2 months have gone by pretty fast, one day I am out having a good time, and the next day, I hear we have midterms the next week.
School is something that has been the sole purpose of my life for the past 15 years, and could potentially be for a few more. The one thing on my mind should be just studying, but I don't feel like that's the case anymore.
It felt like just yesterday when I wrote the entry about "Work hard.... blah blah School blah blah exams etc etc good luck have fun etc etc". And to be honest things are not going to smoothly. At this point I have to say, I am no where near the expectations I set for myself. I did alright in some subjects, but I can safely say, I nearly flunked two of my midterms, and the labs and assignments aren't going to hot either. That probably makes me the biggest hypocrite in the world. But its not too late I guess. I've been trying to work harder, just can't find my motivation yet. Or who am I kidding? I know that I am a useless person, and my only worth (at least in the eyes of my parents) is in my education. What about what my friends say? Screw them, they don't know shit. Its nice to hear people not wanting me to kill myself and all but honestly, who are they to say what I am worth. This comes from me, a person who blames his surroundings for his own short comings, a person who will not admit to his own faults entirely, a person that thinks that if he is passive, he is not wrong. That is not true, in any situation is just plain stupid.
So what is the point of this, it's to remind myself, that the only goal here should be for me to work hard for what I believe in, and stop dwelling on stupid things. Family? Who cares about family? (no actually but you get the picture) Friends? I have no friends anyways... The only thing I have is my hands (HAHA) and my long lost sense of motivation. Because I've had this thought in my head for the longest time, I am not good enough for anything right now, I have to make myself better, maybe one day I will find somewhere where I belong. Find my niche in the ecosystem, not somewhere I fit in, somewhere I thrive. Pfft like that ever happens.
At the end of the day, I just have to keep telling myself. What do I have? Nothing...
Sure people say, you've got your youth, you've got a second chance coming, you've got good friends. But to me right now that kinda thing is meaningless. Those intangible things will not get me through life. I pretty much called my friends and family meaningless, but that's not a big deal. They are dumb enough to forgive me.
Anyways I've wasted enough time here, I think it's time to get going on this motherf@#king crock of shit my fking useless prof's call homework.
Good luck and God bless
Teddy
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