This summer has been a shitty time for me. Shit happens, thats all I have to say. I mean I do things I regret, I push people farther from me, but I really never thought much of it, in fact I couldn't have cared less what happened. Cuz in my head I believed "drama and shit between people belonged in high school and that we are all too old for it". In a way I still agree it's stupid, but I realized it happens to all of us. Why do we love watching the drama's on tv? Watch how fucking stupid their lives are, or be amazed at how trivial human feelings really seem? Because we relate to them, we are all fucking retards. I'm a retard too in a way. I disappointed my parents, I disappointed my peers, I disappoint myself. I feel like I kno what my problem is, the last few years I've been stupid, and lazy. I'm obsessive, immature, my life is a fucking joke, or I treat it as one. I do stupid things like drink to forget my problem, spend shit loads of cash with my group of friends (the ones I call the fags). Why? So i can forget all my problems..... I say things like "I don't care about these people, so and so can go die, what do they do for me? Nice guy? I only pretend to be nice, I really think they are jackasses". I don't know why it comes to saying things like that, it's just that I think their problems are stupid, and so are mine.
I realized there are people I regret meeting in my lifetime, but I can't change that. Some of them I hate, some I want to put aside, but I can't. Their images linger in my head, making me wonder, what am I? What was I thinking? I will do stupid things, and I will do many more in the future. I am not good enough for anyone, but I can change. I want to be a good person, not the good person everyone tells me I am, but a real good person. Love what you are and not what you want to be? What an idiot, mediocrity gets me nowhere. Time to put my foot down, and anyone who tries to stop you? You tell them to fuck off! Putting behind your friends? You have no friends, lets be honest in this world you are alone. If you become dependent, then you are dead.
I guess I'm dead then. I don't want to deal with people, or tries to be the guy to satisfy everyone, because to be honest I can't satisfy anyone at all. I am useless, all I do is make people uncomfortable and pretend to be nice so I can suck their blood. Thats all people should see me as, and it's true, that's what I've been for the last while. Useless, useless, and useless. The word I so often use to accuse people, my lazy friends who are good for shit, my asshole fucking bus driver who is late when i go to school and leaves early without me when i go home, the people who really wouldn't give a shit what I felt about them, my family friends who say, "i should be this, i should be that". I dont need any of them, again... putting my foot down.
I rant about the same shit everytime but fuck... talking with some of the fags, I realize some of the things I do, make the people around me that I really care for think of me as a retard, or a sociopath, or makes me do things that make me look like a huge retard.
I look again, on the people I know. What is life? On a molecular level, its what we eat and shit, sounds simple? But what is life really?I think life is what you do, how you do it, and the people you meet is a big part too. I look at the people I meet... okay so there are flaws with everyone but all in all, I really like them. I have the utmost respect for them. But that doesnt stop me from being an idiot, or a downright douchebag at that, and I'm sure thats what lots of people think of me as, I'm not good enough for them, they can't be bothered to associate with me, or talk to me as a human being, because I will just go fuck around and do nothing with my life. Well, if thats what you think... I agree with you, sometimes I wonder what life would be like without me =]
Be grateful you are alive to enjoy lifes wonders
Be grateful you have a family that loves you
Because sometimes those are the only things that keep us going
God luck to all and God bless
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